Edward Cullen is a Dirty Dirty Disco Duck!
by HolliiiCruiser
Summary: FINISHED! I fixed ch. 3 and 4. so hopefully it is better.
1. Edward the Disco Duck!

"God! This is **so **stupid!" yelled Edward as he yanked a pair of way to tight bell bottoms on. He better be glad that he didn't have to brerathe cus' them suckers looked like they were harder to get off than a fat person off cake. "I said if I was gonna wear these they had to match my shirt! The jean color mashes with the pick sequins!" He stopped when he realized just how gay that sounded. But what was even gayer(sp?) was that he was acutually wearing a pink sequin shirt. That he stole from Alice. But he managed to pull it off. Come on people! He was Edward Cullen, he was the bestest of the sexiest! The only reason he had even agreed to go to this stupid disco was for Bella. But she didn't even like to dance AT ALL! So he really didn't know why she was so excited, but she had looked so hopeful when she asked, he just couldn't have said no! 

"I am surprised that Carlisle even had bell bottoms, much less ones to match that thing you are trying to pass off as a shirt," Emmett said as images of Carlisle getting down with his bad self popped into his head. Disturbing, I know. Unless you like Carlisle than you can thank me for the picture of carlsile dancing with pants so tight it probably would cut off his circulation. :)

Edward shook his head," One: I can see what your thinking and for all that is good and holy stop it now. Two: I thought you said that you were gonna dress up with me?"

"No, dear brother, I said I would **go** with you, not himuliate myself in front of everyone with you.(Edward glared at him.) But you can't turn back now, because you promised Bella." Emmett laughed his booming lauch as he ducked the shoe that Edward had just thrown at him. His grin froze when he heard the crash the show had made when it busted throught the wall behind him. Immediatly he and Edward ran out of the room. " We had better get out of here, before Esme gets wind of that."

"Good idea," Edward agreed, as he smoothly slid down the banister that lead down stairs. He landed softly on his feet, but hey! what did you expect? Edward never falls.

SO! what will happen? Will Edward ever find out why Bella suddenly loves to dance? Could his pants get any more tighter? You'll have to wait till the next pee in your pants causing chapter of Edward is a dirty dirty disco duck!


	2. Another Disco Duck!

Carlisle had just arrived home from the hospital, and was busy hanging his coat up in his bedroom closet, when he noticed that a box marked Carlisle's Stuff that was usually pushed way back in the very far corners had been pulled to the front. The lid was laying a few feet away, he anxiously looked inside and immediatly knew what was missing...

"Esme! Esme!" he called bursting out of the room and down the stairs. He slid into the kitchen (knocking the dining room table and chairs over in the process, ouch, he was gonna pay for that one later...) and stopped in front of a very confused looking Esme. "Where are my Blue Jean Limited Edition David Bowie Butthuggers?" he said this all in one long and very fast breath. She just gave him a very puzzled look.

"What are those?"

"You know, the ones I wore that one time..."

She just stared at him, "The ones I wore to the National Disco Dance Competition in 1978. (Ok, can any of you imagine Carlisle disco dancing? I think it would be freaking hilarious...) I remember it like it was yesterday, the lights, the sounds, the half naked girls girating next to me... oh, I mean the fully clothed and not half as pretty as you girls standing far away from me. I remember how i had the trophy firmly in my sights, then HE had to come and ruin it all..." The HE being Aro, who contrary to popular belief can shake what his momma gave him. This, in my opinion, is why him and Carlisle had the falling out, not because their eating habits were so different. "The final round, me and him, mono e mono, I was so close, and then he had to go and scare the judges into just giving him the trophy, those judges were so scared..."

Before he could go completely into a play be play of exactly why he had lost, Esme cut him off, "Oh, those ugly things, I think I saw Edward going through that box and getting them. Apparently he and Bella are going to a disco." Carlisle's eyes immediatly lit up.

"Maybe I will go and check how they fit him... just you know for his sake.." And before the words were halfway out of his mouth he was in the car wearing a white suit unbuttoned so his chest showed and a only slightly less tight pair of pants sitting on his hips.

MEANWHILE!

Edward had just pulled up in front of Bella's house. He was smoothing his shirt down as he walked up to the door, suddenly pulling a Michael Jackson move all over the front porch. Momentarily lost in his hip wiggling and singing, "She's a brick house..." He hadn't notice the door open and Charlie walk out.

"Umm, what the hell are you doing?'

Edward immediatly whirled around and dropped his hand. Which had, only a second before, been pointing up in the air circa John Travolta in Saturday Night Live. "Umm, nothing, I was just..I Bella here?"

Charlie didn't stop eyeing him nervously,"She told me to tell you to meet her there.. She wanted to surprise you..." As he said this Edward caught his thoughts which were: He better keep them tight pants away from Bella, cuz if I hear he even attempted to let the beast breathe he would personally hunt him down and do some very unpleasant things to him with a meat tenderizer. ( Nasty I know.)

Okay my mom is yelling at me to get off and babysit Justin so I'll try to post more later... sorry so short! and not as funny, but i am really tired and having problems with my own personal Edward (aka my bf) so sorry! I know you really don't care but its the reason my creativeness isnt doing so hot


	3. Discos Suck

Edward reached the disco literally five seconds after he got in the car after his little Micheal Jackson incident. He still was in a very dancey (ha new word!) mood, but he didn't think he could risk another threat to his beast. He snorted at the thought. Charlie couldn't hurt his ahem, special place, if he wanted to…. It was like trying to break down a brick wall with.. wait, let's not go there. SO anyway, back to my story before I get to off subject on Edward's mommy daddy button (that's what one of my cousin's calls it.) So he pulls into the parking lot and he sees Bella's truck so he heads inside.

As soon as he enters he hears a frantic scream. "EDWARD! Hey there gorgeous! What took you so long? I was ready to pop it, lock it, and drop it!" And then Bella went on to grind it like R. Kelly. Without peeing on anyone of course. (I'm watching Dave Chappelle's R. Kelly spoof, I wanna pee on you right now.) The song ended and Lil Wayne's song You came on. Before Edward could even ask why an R & B song was playing at a disco, Bella had pulled him on the dance floor.

"Bella, what is up with you? Good Lord, did you get into Charlie's secret Vault stash again?" **(A/N: This is an energy drink btw.)** He eyed her skeptically when she shook her head no so hard her hair fell out of its very tight looking updo. She still looked good though.

"No, silly goose, I just am high off of you lover!" Then she started to fling her hands around and jump up and down.

"You were right. You really can't dance." But she had already jumped on the stage.

"Sing for me! I am the phantom and I want you to sing for me Christine!"

"Gawd, I knew the phantom of the opera was a bad date night movie," Edward sighed to himself before going off to get her.

"Sing for me! Sing for ME!" She yelled her face turning red.

"FINE!" And with one swift motion he had popped a CD he had somehow fit into who knows where in his butthuggers.

Bella quieted down as the music started. Her eyes grew wide as Edward spun around.

He winked at her and began, "At first I was afraid, I was petrified, That I could never live without you by my side.." He spun around again and the crowd mostly of girls cheered. He scowled when a pair of panties came flying at him. Bella grimaced, and she stomped out.

Edward came out then. "Bella?"

She shook her head and said "Whoa, what just happened?"

"Well, I sung, you got mad, you left, I followed."

"Oh.. I feel so weird."

"That my love is called disco fever."

He reached for her hand and they headed back in only to find Carlisle hustling with about 6 girls behind him dancing along.

"DAD! What are you doing?" Edward looked like he would have died if he wasn't already dead.

"Where did you think you learned your moves from there buddy boy?"

Bella just laughed as she pulled Edward out and into his car.

"Oh come on Edward! He's just got Disco Fever." And he pouted much like she did when she was offended.

"By the way what did you do with that girls panties?" Edward shivered when Bella said this.

"One: that was totally uncalled for and disgusting. Two: You don't have to worry because I would have much rather have you throw your panties at me." She smacked him then. "Three: I'm going to give them to your dad, and she will get charged with indecent exposure." Then they laughed together all the way home.

* * *


	4. the end

After arriving home from the disco, Bella and Edward were in his room. He was still a little ticked that he really didn't get to dance with her. She was still a little ticked and embarrassed because apparently her sudden case of disco fever had her dancing around like an idiot. Not that he was complaining or anything, it was hilarious.

"Bella, do you want to dance with me?" He flew up off the couch and had lifted her up too. He didn't wait for an answer. He dragged her over to his really complicated and sort of ugly stereo thingy. He turned it on and turned it up really loud.

The music started, _"I wanna, li-li-li-lick you from yo' head to yo' toes and I wanna, move from the bed down to the down to the to the flo', then I wanna, ahh ahh - you make it so good I don't wanna leave, but I gotta, kn-kn-kn-know what-what's your fan-ta-ta-sy." _

"That's not mine… it's Emmett's." He looked down at the floor. Bella raised his head with his finger.

"Uh huh. Just like that Fergie Cd was Alice's."

"That actually was, that is horrible." Bella frowned, she sort of liked that Glamorous song. But that's beside the point.

"Well, tonight didn't go as planned." He slid his hands around her waist and pulled her towards him. She grinned.

"How was tonight supposed to go?"

"It was supposed to be fun and romantic. But it was just uncomfortable and embarrassing."

"It was only embarrassing for you. I actually thought Carlisle was pretty funny." She hugged him.

"Ya," he said into her hair. "it was pretty funny when you were screaming "sing for me, I'm the Phantom." Too." She tried to pull away but he held her tight. He switched the CD to Nickelback and played "Far Away".

"So maybe the disco was a bad idea," Edward thought. "but this was good. No, this was great." He smile as she sighed and hid her face in his arm.

"I love you." She whispered as she kissed his lips.

"I love you too, more than you could ever know." He mumbled against her lips, and gave in to the kiss.


End file.
